The Prostate Box — Boxes and Booze

Prostate Box

An index case, also referred to as “patient zero”, is the first documented patient in a disease epidemic within a population, or the first documented patient included in an epidemiological study. Wikipedia does not go on to include other possible definitions, such as the one I am thinking about, probably because so few in the world have ever experienced this particular scenario. Perhaps it’s also because disease epidemics are slightly more relevant to the world than, say, a box that can’t be opened until you stick your index finger into an … orifice. I know of other such “index cases” that exist; for example, the Viper by Shane Hales, and the box which inspired it, Ze House of Mouse Zedong by Stephen Chin. These creations tend to strike fear in the hearts of those who experience them and worry what might happen to their finger once foolishly “inserted”, and in the case of Hales and Chin, they may be right! I don’t know if Chin’s index case was the index case for index cases, but it’s certainly a subject I’d be interested in probing further.

I was recently given an incredible gift by a fellow collector and enthusiast, who also happens to have a video blog about this hobby called “What Did I Get Myself Into”. The Prostate Box, by Tanner Reyes, is a unique puzzle box that allows you to turn the tables on your doctor, as it were, at least if you are a man of a certain age. The story begins last winter, during planning of the annual gift giving event held by an international community of puzzle hobbyists and enthusiasts. Tanner explains, “October 2021, I was getting excited as the topic “Secret Santa” would open on our discord channel. I love this event. A great opportunity to give back to others and receive a nice gift as well. My anxiety grew as we got closer to receiving the names of our recipient. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What will I get them, something from my collection, something they don’t have, a number of scenarios crossed my mind. Nothing could prepare me for who I did receive … The writer for the popular blog Boxes and Booze, who seemingly has every puzzle imaginable. What do you get the guy that has everything? Nothing in my previous thoughts could have prepared me. What could I get, have, bought, lie, cheat, or steal to give him something unique. Then it hit me; I think I’m a wood worker… I’ll make his gift. I’ll make him the first and only puzzle box I’ve ever attempted or made. This is something he wouldn’t have.”

Tanner decided he would make me a themed puzzle, based on my professional line of work and area of cancer research. He reached out for some help to his friend Robert Yarger, who provided a cubed burr puzzle he had designed. Tanner had a lathe, but had not yet learned to use it to turn wood puzzles. He reminds me of John Berkeley, the master wood turner of Hoffman era puzzles, who was fond of saying, I didn’t know that I couldn’t do something I hadn’t tried yet, so I said I could. Tanner practiced a few times and took the plunge on his fourth try, turning Rob’s burr cube into the “Prostate Ball”. This stand alone puzzle would be waiting to be found, inside the larger box. Tanner had the whole themed experience worked out in his head, “In my mind I thought of an examination. Unzip my fly, drop my drawers, prepare for that oh so intimate hole tickle, and sigh in relief when it was over. That’s what I wanted to create.”

Considering that Tanner has never made a puzzle box before, he did a remarkable job. Along the way, he faced every conceivable obstacle you might imagine, and plenty that I’m sure you wouldn’t. For the box itself, he chose a beautiful blood wood to encase everything, and curly maple for the interior. But try as he might, there were problems, or what Tanner called his “punishment from God”. “It took me 5 attempts. The woods either warped, I’d mis-cut, then run out of a particular wood, needless to say, there was a lot to learn.” In the end, he encased the box in a shimmering paduak wood, which looks stunning. On top there is still the original blood wood, and this is where the fun begins. Tanner taught himself how to calculate angles and use math for wood cuts, and about magnets in general. There are a few tools to discover and use, as the theme progresses. He had to remake these as well, thanks to those pesky magnets, which can be quite polarizing. When Tanner first presented the box to me, I jokingly said something like, I’m not going to have to stick my finger somewhere, am I? I should have known better. Not only does the requisite orifice exist, but Tanner managed to make it “realistic”, adding internal ridges and bumps inside thanks to a few turned wooden rings he got from Stephen Chin and the clever use of springs. I couldn’t make this up. Of course the ultimate purpose of this particular type of exam, in the doctor’s office, or the comfort of your own private abode (judgement free zone), is to feel for the prostate, which has been patiently waiting inside the box all this time. It’s a very clever and properly challenging 10-piece burr, with a special WDIGMI and Stickman dual maker’s mark on one piece.

But despite the set backs and learning curves Tanner overcame in tackling the project, the biggest hurdles he faced were physical. A few weeks before Christmas, he began having excruciating abdominal pain, and underwent emergency gallbladder surgery. As it is, Tanner is usually in pain, having nearly died from an accidental fall years ago and undergoing countless spinal procedures ever since. He relates, “Unfortunately, winters are hard for me. The cold weather makes me hurt beyond compare. I wasn’t able to spend much time on the box. Then came May. I had already had a handful of spinal procedures. Routine but painful but also a reminder I’ll always hurt. I needed to finish the box! In the home stretch I was able to test the mechanics, remake certain pieces, and continue learning how to finish the current step and learn to do the next. This project offered me so much more than just giving a gift. It challenged my emotional fortitude. I had to learn new woodworking skills and make and remake pieces until it operated as I intended. This box became more than just a secret santa gift. It was my evolution as person, as a woodworker.” Tanner hand delivered the box to me for my birthday a few weeks ago, as if it wasn’t already special enough. A personally themed, humorous and clever puzzle box featuring components from a few more of my puzzle making friends, hand made just for me and received as a gift on my birthday. I’d say that’s the index case.

With what shall we toast to this irreverent puzzle box? Why, with the One Eyed Willie, of course! Fans of the Spielberg, Columbus and Donner classic, The Goonies, will no doubt recognize the nickname of William B. Pordobel, the one-eyed captain of the Inferno where our fearless gang search the coast of northern Oregon for his famed treasure. You might also know what I am actually referring to here, and if so, good for you, urine good company. The One Eyed Willie cocktail, ahem, is a featured drink at Seattle’s Inside Passage, where it pays homage to the PNW’s favorite pirate and is served in a skull mug and treasure chest that billows dry ice fog.

The drink was created by bartender Sean Dumke, who is well known for his tiki centric passions. It combines two different rums (like any self-respecting tiki cocktail should) in what is essentially a tropical rum old fashioned template. Overproof rum is cut with a standard proof aged rum that has been steeped with vanilla. The sweetness is provided by both banana liqueur and a cinnamon syrup. I made a vanilla-cinnamon syrup instead of infusing the aged rum directly, and still think all the proper flavors made it to the party. It’s a fantastic Old Fashioned that will transport you to the tropics. Just beware, it packs a punch, and one too many may leave you … prostrate. Cheers!

One Eyed Wille by Sean Dumke

1 oz overproof rum

1 oz vanilla rum

½ oz banana liqueur

¼ oz cinnamon syrup

4 dashes Angostura bitters

1 barspoon fresh lime

Stir ingredients with ice and strain into an old fashioned glass (or skull mug) over a single cube. Lime wheel eyepatch optional.

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